Be Who You Are Now

I didn’t even know I was doing it until I wasn’t doing it anymore. A simple shift in perspective that came about because of a fiddle lesson I took with David Ellis.  My fiddle playing was a hot mess.  I always felt like I needed to apologize for being a poor fiddle player because in my mind a good fiddle player played a lot of notes really fast.  The fact that I couldn’t do that without scaring cats and young children didn’t stop me from going at it like I could.  


When David listened to me play he said, “That was interesting.”  I guess he forgot that I was a teacher because in teacher language that means, man have we got some undoing to do. His first stab at undoing my mistaken belief about what made a good fiddle player was to tell me a story about Alison Krauss. In one ear and out the other. Then he tried a story about a bass player I know and respect. Didn’t care. 


In my mind a good fiddler played a lot of notes really fast and that’s what I was going to do. Then he said something that had the ring of wisdom. “You know, Deb, you don’t play the way you did and you can’t play the way you will. Why don’t you play the way you play now?” That’s what he said. What I heard was, “Why don’t you be who you are now?”  That was kind of a liberating idea. I loved it.

My fiddle playing improved instantly simply by playing the way I play now to the best of my ability. Not only did I stop scaring cats and young children I started to enjoy playing my fiddle again.  I became more confident and took more musical risks.  I started taking fiddle breaks and asking for fiddle songs. The guys at The Redlight didn’t know what to think. Neither did I, for that matter.  I liked the feeling of being who I was now, and I carried it into my work and a few of my relationships.  I stopped being concerned about what I couldn’t do and who I wasn’t and enjoyed what I could do and who I was now.  

That would have been more than enough. However, yesterday I realized that there was an additional benefit to being who I was now. I was rummaging through an old footlocker during a cleaning binge. It was filled with journals and photographs, and love letters that I could have sworn I burned.  In the past when I revisited my teens and early twenties I cringed a little for the girl I thought I was. Yesterday I laughed out loud.  It was so much fun to revisit that part of my life in a way that it had never been before.  I found myself liking who I had been very much. I felt myself letting go of old ideas about who I was and who I should have been.  It was as if scales dropped from my eyes and I could see clearly again.

When I paused to consider the change I realized it was because I had stopped apologizing for being who I was. I was unaware that I lived my life doing that until I stopped.  It might not have been all the time, but it was often enough and often enough is too often.  For the first time I saw the young woman I had been with loving eyes. I saw myself the way I was instead of the very flawed way my family and ex-husband told me I was. It was a  delightful way to spend the afternoon.   It’s either fear or love, baby.  This is love, being who you are now.

                                                         

                                                             

My 90 Day No Negativity Challenge Two Years Later

They say that gratitude is the highest form of prayer. I think enjoying your life is a form of gratitude. I want to enjoy my life and treasure its moments even when it’s hard. The easiest way for me to be able to do that is to keep my life free of negativity. Negativity is a complete soul suck. Nothing good ever comes of it.

Two years ago I went on a 90 Day No Negativity Challenge. I simply needed would  a little break from all the negativity that seemed to be swirling around me. I was eventually nudged into what Thomas Merton calls the wilderness of my own interior journey. If we are lucky we take that journey several times in our life time. The challenge was a defining time in my life and I’m still experiencing its impact. On the surface not very much has changed. I still teach school, drive an old truck with music cranked up too loud and sing better than I fiddle. I paddle when there’s water and time and try to keep the house from falling down around my ears. I still think I’m going to meet a blue eyed, guitar playing cowboy who paddles a red Caption.

There are two subtle differences in my life since my challenge. One is how happy I am even when things are not going well. And things don’t always go well. I get sick, a tree falls on a neighbor’s fence, I lose money that I can’t afford, you know all those things that fall under the heading of being a grown up. The other difference is the quality of people who are in my life. At the end of the challenge some people simply no longer fit my life and while I mourned their passing I trusted the unfolding of my life and let them go. The majority of people in my life now are people like I want to be and hope I am. They are souls who embrace the fullness of life with confidence and joy that is contagious.

Here are my top ten tips for keeping free of negativity. If you are anything like me, you know, human, you need the reminder.

1. Stop complaining, criticizing, or blaming.
It is the worst thing we do to ourselves and each other. It is not reality. It doesn’t mean you are wise or have any answers. It simply means that you aren’t happy and only you can change that. Stop complaining for one day or one moment and see you aren’t happier. The things you complain about will still be there, but you will either change them or let them go.

2. Stay silent.
This is a big one for me because I like words and I like to talk. A woman I knew as OldBlonde supported me on the challenge and said, “The person who stays silent has all the power,” and “If it’s not a question, it doesn’t need an answer.” Rebecca bounced into my classroom during our planning period with this quote, “Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.” Words to live by for sure.

3. Joe Friday is an angel.
Do you remember Dragnet? “The facts ma’am, just the facts.” This should be simple, but listen to how often you embellish the facts with your fears that you justify and take a gospel. Your perceptions about why someone does something are not facts, they are your perceptions and more often than not they are wrong.

4. Stay in the moment.
Where’s your attention? It should be on right now, not what was or could be. Notice how often you live in the future you are afraid of or the past that still haunts you and return to the joy of the present moment.

5. Know what your triggers are and prepare for them.
Mine is first thing in the morning. I’m least prepared for the onslaught of my own thoughts before I’ve had a pot of tea. I’ve learned to chant or pray the minute I’m awake. When I am chanting or praying there is no room for negative thoughts. I align myself with something more powerful and much more positive. That’s important because what you put in your mind comes out in your life.

6. Keep some of yourself to yourself.
Don’t throw yourself out to everyone full tilt. Hold back some. You are not mangy dog that is begging to be scratched with a stick as the Sweet Potato Queens would say. I’ve become much more discerning about who I bring into my life since my challenge. I want to be around people who are positive, enthusiastic, and encouraging because they make it easier to be creative and take risks.

7. If you wouldn’t say it, don’t think it.
When I had trouble controlling my negative thoughts I hit on the idea of thinking about how I would feel if my thoughts were projected on a giant screen on the interstate for the whole world to see. It stopped me in my tracks because, (one more time), what you think matters. What you put in your mind comes out in your life.

8. Take care of yourself.
You are the only you the world has and we need your gifts. Whatever that means to you do it. Taking care of yourself and your inner flame is the most selfless thing you can do. I eat better; make sure I get enough sleep, and exercise, and spend as little time with toxic or negative people as I can.

9. Life is an adventure and what happens is all part of the wilderness experience of being human.
Treat it like a trip to a far away land that you paid big bucks for and enjoy it. The trip is paid for. All you gotta do is enjoy it. No one has a monopoly on sorrow or suffering. If you are a human being you will suffer. It’s your response to that suffering that determines your experience. Stop complaining, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with what you need to do to change things. Being negative doesn’t help. It just keeps you stuck and the only person who can change that is you.

10. Choose.
The best thing about being human besides cowboys, sex, and chocolate is that every moment of everyday we get to choose. So choose, it’s either fear or love baby. I’m choosing love. What about you?

                

Emotional Ballast

Every woman needs a good mechanic, a good hairdresser and a good bar and The Redlight is my good bar. That’s what I told Bill who owns my favorite bar a few weeks ago.  When he handed me my beer he said, “I’d think a woman like you would need a good lawyer too.”  I told Cheryl that I didn’t know what he was talking about and she laughed.  We both know that left to my own devices I would probably dance with the devil come what may and to heck with the consequences.  Actually, there’s no probably about it if the not so distant past is any indication.  And I’ve noticed that not much about that seems to be changing with age.   Why not and what the hell are still two of my favorite attitudes that  just seem to slide on naturally with a pair of cowboy boots, a bright scarf and  eyeliner that I’m partial to. I know myself and because I know myself and my propensity to gravitate towards trouble disguised as a good time I know that I need emotional ballast in my life.

When I was younger ballast took the form of very generous older women who helped me see who I could be.  They uncovered an aspect of being human in me I didn’t know existed and made me want more for myself.  They were teachers, mentors, friends, and bosses who gave me stability without changing who I was. They poured themselves into me and were more of a gift than I deserved.

Alana Shepherd of the Shepherd Spinal Center said, “It’s not where you go, it’s who you go with.” I have found that to be true, and choose the people I bring into my life with more care than I did when I was being guided by a reckless heart and devil may care grin.  My life is filled with people who demonstrate kindness on a daily basis. They are generous with their talents and look for the goodness in others.   I still have generous older women in my life who remind me who I am and want to be.  There’s a group that meets on line and two groups in the neighborhood.  They are a mirror of my heart and soul.  They are ballast, providing firmness and stability where I’m tend to be a little bit wobbly. They remind me that just because I can doesn’t mean I should and that sometimes what I think is wisdom is really a bad brain fart. 

I need ballast, not just because left to my own devices I would dance naked in the streets and have a good time doing it. I need it because I believe we are here to raise the level of humanity and make the world a better place.  I need reminders from poets and musicians and teachers like me that a better world is within our reach.  Fredrick Buechner wrote, “You can grow strong on your own. You can prevail on your own. But you cannot become human on your own.”   We need each other. That’s the simple truth of it. We are all on a sacred journey to become human. It is an experience filled with ambiguity and paradoxes.  That’s what make it interesting, and why we need ballast.  

                           

                     

                                

I'm Not Patsy Cline

I was playing  in a bluegrass circle and had already sung all the bluegrass songs I wanted to sing and called out Walking After Midnight, one of my favorite songs to sing. “Are you going to sing that song the way it’s supposed to be sung?”   Evidently Bruce didn’t approve of my interpretation of it and that’s all it could ever be, my interpretation because in case you haven’t noticed I’m not Pasty Cline.  And that’s pretty much what I told Bruce before a guitar war broke out over how to play the song.  It’s kind of hard to sing when the guitars are having a war.

I decided a very long time ago that the best thing I could do was just be the best me I could be even when I’m not sure what that is.  That’s not always a popular approach to take.  There’s always someone who wants to tell me how I should sing, dress, act, teach, or be. And they act like their perception of reality has more value than mine.  It doesn’t.  It took me awhile to embrace that little nugget of wisdom.

If you base your self worth on the shifting perceptions of others you will always be at the mercy of their emotional state and standing on shaky ground.  I’m not standing on shaky ground. This is who I am and I am digging myself and loving my life.  There will always be a Bruce who thinks I should sing, do or be a particular way.  The problem with that is it makes it impossible for something new to be created and to unfold.  God didn’t put me down here to be Pasty Cline, he put me down here to be me and that’s just what I’m going to do, be me.  Who are you going to be, yourself in all your authentic glory or a pale imitation of someone else?  It’s your choice. It’s either fear or love baby, what’s it gonna be?

                                       

Stop In The Name of Love

  Watching The Mystery of Love video was just what I wanted after a hectic week, something I could half pay attention to while I finished a knitting project. When Frieda called I put the sound on mute.  She cut right to the chase.  Her father, never a nice man to begin with, had delivered an emotional hit and run severing all ties with her over a dispute about an inheritance, a pittance of one at that. Go figure.  The fact that Frieda is over fifty and was not the least bit surprised by her father’s most recent diatribe did not lessen the sting of his words.  Frieda’s other friends all urged her to strike back and let him have it.  She wanted to know what I thought.

 I said the first thing that came to me.  “I think you should let it go. Nothing will be gained by lashing out and if you do your soul will suffer for it. Let it be.”  I’m not entirely sure I knew what I meant by that when I said it.  It had a ring of truth to it though, so I chalked it up to one of those may my ears hear what my mouth just said moments.   Frieda and I talked about what that might mean a bit longer then hung up.  When I turned my attention back to the video this quote was on the screen, “If you really loved yourself you would not harm another.” Buddha.  Now, I have probably seen that particular quote a hundred times over the years and always dismissed it as an unrealistic ideal or just plain didn’t get it.  Then I got it even though I didn’t know it at the time and I still can’t completely put my understanding of it into words.    

We are never more destructive to ourselves then when we hurt someone else.  That’s what I was trying to tell Frieda. Letting her father have it would hurt her and I didn’t want to see her do that to herself. There was nothing to be gained by dumping on her father.  After all, isn’t that what he did? He let her have it, let her have all his negative energy like she was an emotional dumping ground.  He didn’t really expect anything positive to come from what he said or he wouldn’t have said what he did.  When we lash out we just want to unload and to hell with whoever gets in our way. If we really cared about ourselves and each other we would do many things and none of them would be done in anger.

It’s the easiest thing in the world to lash out in the heat of the moment and justify our wrath. We have become masters of that particular brand of destructive self deception. We have all the answers. We know everything; therefore we can do and say whatever we want because we are right. Self restraint in the name of love, that takes effort, and sometimes a lot of it.  If I have learned nothing else I’ve learned this much, it’s either fear or love, baby.  We always have a choice.  It might not seem like much, but every time I choose love over fear it gets a little easier to choose it the next time. Practicing self restraint is an act of love that I do for me, no one else. Maybe they do deserve it, but I deserve love and inner peace more.  I do not have to say or do the first thing that pops into my head.  Waiting is a verb too. When I  choose to stay silent first in the face of conflict, it’s not because I’ve lost my edge or don’t care, it’s because I have come to trust that the right action will present itself if I get out of the way.  We are not in this alone. We are all connected. What we do to them we do to ourselves first.  I don’t know about you, but I think it’s time for us to value self restraint at least as much as we value our right to speak out. Aren't we all worth at least that much?

Work

 I hadn't seen Laura in years and I can’t say that I was all that thrilled when I ran into her in front of Trader Joe’s over the holidays.  When I first met Laura we were both teachers…. with a difference. I liked teaching even if I wasn’t overly fond of the state of education at the moment. Laura, on the other hand, was one of those teachers who acted like being a classroom teacher was the booby prize in education and I was the biggest booby of all. One of the first things she said to me last month was, “You’re still teaching? I left teaching years ago. I guess some of us just need more from life.”   Some things never change. 

The hard truth of the matter is that Laura reveled in her discontent and it contaminated everything she did. No matter what she did or where she was it was never enough.  She was like a whole bunch of people who treat the work they’re doing like they’ve stepped in something nasty. They make it very clear by how they do their job and treat the people they work with that they were gypped by the universe and denied their rightful place in the sun.  That’s a crime because no job is too small when you know your real worth.  My dad knew that and so did Eugene.

Eugene and my dad were both men who knew the true meaning of work.  The work they did and they way the did it reflected the value they had for themselves and the people in their lives. My dad was a heavy equipment operator, short order cook, and jack of all trades when the need arose. He liked having a good time and could make the most mundane task entertaining.  My dad would have liked Eugene who was a janitor in the small town,elementary school where I teach. Eugene knew every child’s name and every teacher’s heart. He was the touch stone of our school, a reminder of what is possible in a human being. 

Some people believe that they are only important if their job is important. (I still haven’t figured out who makes that call.)  It is painfully obvious that the meaning of work for them is to serve their ego, proving with their job title if nothing else that they are important at last.  And heaven help the people they work with when the job doesn’t measure up to the task.  That’s when it becomes really painful, especially if you happen to get in the way.

 What I’m doing may not be the most important job in the grand scheme of things, but it’s important to me for a whole bunch of reasons. I want to do a good job and I want to enjoy doing it. I come by that honest. I realize however, that it’s not a particularly popular sentiment.  Laura is not alone in thinking that there must be something deeply wrong with someone who likes their job.   If Eugene were still around I’d go talk to him and he’d make me see the absurd in the situation until I could laugh about it. My dad would simply remind me that they call it work for a reason and don’t expect people to be who they’re not.  Unfortunately they’re both gone. Dad passed some years back and Eugene joined him a few weeks ago. They will both be missed, not for the work they did, but for how and why they did it.  No job is too small for a great man and no job can make a small man great. It’s not what you do that makes you important. It’s how you do it. Eugene knew that and so did my dad. Thanks, guys. May you rest in peace, you earned it.

                                       

" We can't all do great things, but we can do small things with great love." Mother Teresa

Roots, The Traditions of the Season

 Joe is a wise man and a nice guy who has the knack for saying just the right thing.   A few weeks ago he told me that to blossom we need roots.   I have always thought of myself as a little rootless and his comment made me ponder what that meant and if it was really true. When I took a look around I realized that I had actually put down very deep roots without knowing that’s what I was doing.  That’s a good thing because Joe's right. We need roots and traditions and rituals are roots that ground us to the deepest part of ourselves and give voice to our soul. When we participate in traditions we are reminded that we are loved and that we belong.  Traditions connect us to community and give our lives richness.  Traditions are also living things that need to change and evolve for them to continue to be meaningful. There are some traditions that are better left behind and new ones that need to be created depending on the season of your life.

Being single means I am free to create rituals and holiday traditions that reflect my spiritual life and its needs. It’s easier for me to find my emotional and spiritual balance because I’m not driven by the shoulds and musts of the world. Revel says it’s really because I’m spoiled and am living the life.  He has a point,but it’s my life and I want to make it glorious.  A few years ago I stopped putting up a tree because I don’t have kids, hate the process and don’t have a good place for it. I do, however like the tradition of putting evergreens in my home and create small altars around my home filled with evergreens and candles.  So, here I am, surrounded by altars dedicated to this, the most holy of seasons when we are reminded of the power of love in our lives and the world. This season of love in action is the time we give free reign to our souls. Our hearts soften and deepen with love, reminding us that we are spiritual beings first whose purpose is to love each other.

Because I don’t have kids or a family it would be easy to skip the whole Christmas experience. I would be missing something vital if I did that though. When I take the time to participate in traditions I open my heart and life up to something greater than myself.   I celebrate Christmas because I am a Christian. I participate in the traditions of the season because I am a human being, but that’s not all I am.  I am a deeply loved child of God whose birthright it is to love and be loved.  Dale Evans said, “Christmas is love in action, my child. Every time we love, every time we give its Christmas.”   Here’s to Christmas now and throughout the year to come. Merry Christmas everyone.