Thursday, July 29, 2010

So Long Athena, Hello Hestia

A Course in Miracles says; In my defenselessness my safety lies.    I have that on a sticky note on my lap top because it’s comforting in a paradoxical kind of way.  School starts next Thursday, I am beside myself busy. When I come up for air I feel both sad and vulnerable.
   This has been a very quiet and peaceful summer.   I’m sad to see that end. For the first time in my life I am taking steps to throttle back and create a more thoughtful and peaceful life. To say this goes against the grain is an understatement. I’ve always been one lamp shade away from a good time.  Quiet feels right though, needed as I settle into a new way of being. That’s the only way I can describe it.
    I am different and am settling into a new way of being.  I am softer, gentler around the edges. I have matured into my femininity and it feels nice as long as I just go with it and don’t think about it.  Now, there’s a concept. There’s  an unfamiliar strength in this state that is intriguing.  It’s  very different from the gunslinger, warrior strength that has been such an integral  part of my psyche for so long.  So long Athena, hello Hestia.  It makes me nervous though. I feel a little exposed and not the good kind, skinny dipping in a mountain stream, exposed.  This feels vulnerable. Where is my protection? Where is my safety?
    If I’m being honest, there have been rare times in my life when I have been able to be vulnerable. I shielded myself from feeling vulnerable with defenses that were negative in one way or another.  I didn’t know they were negative at the time, but that’s what they were. It’s either fear or love, baby and negativity sure ain’t love.  Maybe defensiveness can only ever be negative. I don’t know. I know for sure that negativity doesn’t work.  I’m being given an opportunity to experience a different kind of strength. The strength of quiet certitude and peace. My immediate reaction when I wrote that was, “Are you freakin’ kidding me!” Sometimes I’m just along for the ride in my own life. This would be one of those times. Like I said, I’m settling into a new way of being, a little more Hesita and a lot less Athena. I’ve always thought Hestia was a milquetoast. Maybe I was wrong.
  Early one morning last March during a meditation I heard God say, “Be confident in my love for you.”  I’m going with that.  I’m letting myself be loved by God. I am being confident in that love. I’m not sure what that looks like exactly but I’m betting it includes being willing not to know and being willing to trust the unfolding of my life. And I can do that.   I’m betting that when you are confident in God’s love for you that you don’t need to face the world with your dukes up. You can drop the  pretense of defense and rest in certitude and peace.  A little more Hestia, a lot less Athena.

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