Thursday, October 14, 2010

Sometimes It's Mainly Fear

    Mostly I don’t pay much mind to what people say. I know that I am a little bit odd for some folks and I for sure march to the beat of a different drummer. Well maybe not drummer, if you know what I mean, a different beat for sure.  I know that not everyone is going like me anymore than I’m going to like them.  I have long accepted the fact that there will always be someone that I am too something for, too loud, too outspoken, too something.  It’s all part of the human experience. From a very young age I believed that being the best me I could be was the right thing to do. I just always trusted that God made me and that there must be something right with that even when there were people who didn’t think so.  And there were plenty of people who didn’t.
   They thought that I should be more like them. That’s the core it.  Plenty of people wanted me to be like them rather I actually was or not.  That just never felt very loving to me. I tried though because I wanted to be part of a family and a community. But when it came right down to it, I couldn't be something I'm not. I just couldn’t do it. A little Bob Dylan, “I never could drink that wine and call it blood,” must have crept in among the Patsy Cline and Loretta Lynn I grew up with. Sometimes it sure shows.
    I learned to read at a very young age and quickly discovered other lives through the window of books.  I saw that there were better ways of living and other places to call home.  Mainly I learned the value of an education.  It was the desire for an education and what it took to get that education that caused my family to disown me. Literally. That was hard and it didn’t help that I was going through a divorce at the time.  I leaned a little harder on God, prayed a lot and trusted the unfolding of my life. I learned faith up close and personal.  Did I mention that I prayed a lot? I became comfortably independent because I discovered that I was never actually alone. I had God.  
   I’m used to being independent.  I’m living a life. It’s not a life for everyone but it’s a good life for me. Revel teases me that I don’t make compromises because I don’t actually have to and that people, even strangers, are really nice to me. He thinks I’m a little spoiled and he’s right.  I have good friends.  You’d think I’d know who they are but sometimes I don’t.  Sometimes I’m so worried about protecting my heart that I don’t see a gift when it’s being given.
   This week someone told my friend Rebecca something about me that was as unkind as it was untrue.  They were mean but then, they’re always a little mean. (This is where Melinda would smirk and tell me that you can't change stupid. I’m trying not to go there.)  Rebecca was quick to let the person know that she was wrong. Rebecca came to my defense the way a good friend does.  She was, you know, loyal and supportive.  She told me about the conversation to reassure me.  Rebecca knew that I had been feeling a little insecure about something in my life. When she told me about what had happened she was letting me know that she understood me and she cared.  Only it took me a day or so to figure that out.
   I listened with my ego when I should have listened with my heart and I made myself miserable.  I heard that someone was saying mean things about me, someone who has always been a little mean to me.  I didn’t hear that someone stood up for me and was telling me that I could trust her.   I let my feelings get so hurt by something someone said that I missed….well, I guess it would be the love. I mean, it’s either fear or love, right? 
   This week it was mainly fear. But, here’s the thing about love, it’s always there. When I am not living in fear I am astonished at how much love there is in my life and the world. When I am not protecting my heart it is free to unfold in the richness of spirit and love that is in my life and has always been in my life in one form or another.  It’s either fear or love baby.



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